I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror at work. Eyeballs so red from crying, face so whitened under my unshaven face. I can still feel the grease of that massage oil behind my ears from last night.

48 hours ago I was in pure joy, walking in New York City. It was cold, but it didn't matter. It felt so good to be walking down the street and holding somebody's hand again. Then just having to stop on some blocks, just to turn and look at her. The leopard print scarf supporting her olive-skinned neck, her long hair blowing with the breeze on either side. And having to look into that face. That glowing smile as she looked at me. The stars in her eyes. It was the deepest love, reflected back and forth. Imaging that this is somebody I really could see myself with 20 years from now, in her dream home by the ocean. And she'd still be as beautiful as ever to me.

But I had to hold my head up once and for all and do it. To say "Goodbye" and walk out that door this morning. Because I just can't take it. I can't take having something so pure and beautiful, only to have us feeling so hurt when certain truths are said near the end of the visit. I couldn't stay with somebody who attacks my religion, takes every intellectual disagreement or discussion as a personal attack, thinks so low of people I respect, and grinds down something inside of me without realizing it. I just can't keep being self-deceiving about the differences. That the dream house couldn't include my altar. That it could include a child that would be indoctrinated with things I don't believe. I couldn't stay with somebody that I'd have to live a lie with.

There is almost no pain greater than being truly in love with somebody, who has touched a place in your hardened heart that nobody has ever touched before, only to realize that you're not right for each other.

I said 'almost' because the only thing worse than that is knowing that she knows and feels the same way.