"Modern man has come a long way; he has become disenchanted with the nonsensical dogmas of past religions. We are living in an enlightened age. Psychiatry has made great strides in enlightening man about his true personality. We are living in an era of intellectual awareness unlike any the world has ever seen.

This is all very well and good, BUT - there is one flaw in this new state of awareness. It is one thing to accept something intellectually, but to accept the same thing emotionally is an entirely different matter. The one need that psychiatry cannot fill is man's inherent need for emotionalizing through dogma. Man needs ceremony and ritual, fantasy and enchantment. Psychiatry, despite all the good it has done, has robbed man of wonder and fantasy which religion, in the past, has provided." - Anton Szandor LaVey, The Satanic Bible

Let that serve as a disclaimer. You might read some things below that make me sound like I'm superstitious or simply off my rocker. It's just be getting poetic and metaphorical. So take it with a grain of salt.

The question haunts me now and then. And I know the same question haunts her equally. "Why am I still persuing this person?"

She is an angel. I am a devil.

This is not a simple notion of "good vs. evil" or "positivity vs. negativity", because I don't view the world in those highly subjective and highly western terms. And neither of us follow Christianty and its deity/angel/demon mythological structure, nor do we follow the even more pathetic television sitcom idea of "the pure-hearted female vs. the stupid sex-craved male". Yet it all really comes down to what I said: an angel and a devil.

She is driven by philanthropy, works in the ghetto, and devotes herself to social work and nursing. I am driven by self-preservation and the persuit of hard knowledge through critical thinking, and I hone my skills to see my own self succeed. She truly believes it's in her nature to show love for all. I truly believe 'Love All' only works in tennis. Her apartment is filled with "Precious Moments" cherubs. My apartment is filled with "Devil Duckies" and other little horned figures. She is Calcutta. I am Las Vegas. She is committed to the spirit. I rejoice in the flesh.

She is "spiritual, but not religious". I am "religous, but not spiritual".
She has felt and even seen the presence of an unearthly presence made of white light. I have touched the dark, primal, purely carnal force from within, "The Beast".

It is in her nature to strengthen or weaken others through faith. It is in my nature to do the same through doubt.

And inevitably we argue. We have both enraged each other with our criticisms of each other's "heroes". Accuse each other of corruption, and defend ourselves from those accusations. We both stand strong in our convictions and what we each hold as "the truth".

If either of us talked about the other to our friends, our friends would say "What do you see in this person? You're just setting yourself up for failure. And to think, you only talked to each other in person for 15 minutes! Hot body, but you're wasting your time."

So I come back to the original question, and I still don't have an answer. Why would I go out of my way to see somebody like this? Let alone somebody who lives miles and miles away? What's DRIVING me? She is drop-dead beautiful, I won't deny it. But if it was just sex I wanted, I wouldn't waste my time with somebody like this. I don't know why I feel the way I do about her. But I do.

And what I want more than anything is to hold her in my arms. To feel her body pressed up against mine. To feel her hair drape over my hand as my palm graces the curve of her back. Then to look down upon her and look into those alluring eyes, filled with so much beauty and a deep sense of wisdom at the same time. To put a hand on the side of that beautiful face, next to that gorgeous, infectious smile. To close my eyes and feel her full lips locking with mine. I would fly to the ends of the earth just to see her again.

And she had a fascination with me the first time she laid eyes on me. She doesn't know why "the world world came to a screeching halt" at that first moment. She saw the inverted pentagram and made a point to avoid me. But she couldn't put it off any longer, and gave in.

Are we just setting ourselves up for failure? Is my head on straight? Are we delusional? We're both mature 30-somethings. Didn't either of us experience something frightening like this that we learned from? Actually, in my case, I'd say so. It was 5 years ago this month that I was in love with JM, a woman from the same state as her. I remember that all too well. I remember mistaking it for love, when it was really just mutual infatuation. I was a romantic fool, just dying to pour my heart out to anybody who'd be open with me. It was frightening, as we even discussed the idea of getting eloped and married, after less than 2 months of phone conversations and not having met in person yet. But she ended up manipulating me with every turn. And before long, things came crashing down in December, just as fast as they took off.

The general theme even goes back a bit further than that. 1999, 2000, and 2001 it was the same story repeating itself: was persued by some woman in October, became obsessed, and was dumped around New Year's. That was the last time though. When I met Gloria in 2002 the cycle was broken.

But isn't this different? Aren't I somebody who learned from all of those experiences, and knows better? Isn't it just a coincidnece that this is happening with a woman from that same state, in the same month of October? I'd be lying if I said I never thought of the similarities, even though there's no rational reason to do so.

And as I warned you, this is where the philosophy starts kicking in. Why would an angel and a devil meet like this? Is it some bond of love that goes beyond their etheral duties? Is she meant to teach me an important lesson, maybe about blind love? Am I meant to teach HER an important lesson, perhaps about temptation? Or am I, in all likelihood, just reading too much significance into this? Who knows. We'll see how things go when I meet her in person again next week.